Now that the school year is  getting started, safety will most  certainly be a major concern.  What should be put in place for  student and staff safety? What is  the best kind of security system?  Some schools are hiring more security  officers, others are creating  training programs for students.  Not only should this advanced  preparation potentially cut down  on harm to students, but it gives  students, teachers, and parents a  feeling of control. A feeling that  something is being done. And yet  our anxieties surrounding this are  warranted and very real.  

New data shows that school  violence is linked not only to  mental health problems, but to  physical health problems and  risk-taking behavior, including  drug and alcohol use. Social exclusion  and low self-esteem are  factors of violence and there is a  connection between being a victim  of bullying or fighting and  school violence.  

Actually, 30% of young people  admit to bullying and 23%  of high-schoolers report being in  a physical fight in the past year.  Students report being threatened  or injured with weapons on  school property and there were 82  school shootings in 2018.  

The Safe Schools Initiative Report  suggests that 71% of school  violence attackers were victims  of bullying; a resounding 87% of  the offenders left evidence that  they were bullied severely.  

Clearly this is troublesome,  but perhaps not as troubling as  it seems. Just 1.2% of all youth  fatalities occur in school. A full  30% of pediatric deaths are suicides  and in several states, the  number of pediatric firearm fatalities  is greater than pediatric motor  vehicle deaths.  

And while we continue to be  inundated with horrific news  stories, there is progress being  made in efforts to prevent school  violence. A heightened awareness  and structured conversation  among parents, teachers, community  partners, and students is  helpful. Not only is there more  awareness but there is a better  understanding of the indicators  leading up to school violence and  possible actions to take to prevent  it.  

As parents we can help:  

1. If you do choose to keep  firearms at home, ensure that they  are securely locked, that ammunition  is locked and stored separately,  and that children know  weapons are never to be touched  without your express permission  and supervision.  
2. Take an active role in your  children’s schools. Talk regularly  with teachers and staff.  
3. Act as role models. Settle  your own conflicts peaceably and  manage anger without violence.  
4. Listen to and talk with your  children regularly. Find out what  they’re thinking on all kinds of  topics. Create an opportunity for  two-way conversation, which  may mean forgoing judgments.  
5. Set clear limits on behaviors  in advance. Discuss punishments  and rewards in advance, too; it  teaches self-discipline.  
6. Communicate clearly on the  violence issue. Explain that you  don’t accept and won’t tolerate  violent behavior. Discuss what  violence is and is not. Answer  questions thoughtfully. Listen to  children’s ideas and concerns.  
7. Help your children learn how  to examine and find solutions to  problems. Kids who know how to  approach a problem and resolve  it effectively are less likely to be  angry, frustrated, or violent. 
8. Discourage name-calling  and teasing. These behaviors often  escalate.  
9. Insist on knowing your children’s  friends, whereabouts, and  activities. It’s your right. Make  your home an inviting and pleasant  place for your children and  their friends; it’s easier to know  what they’re up to when they’re  around.  
10. Work with other parents  to develop standards for school  related events, acceptable out of  school activities and places, and  required supervision. Support  each other in enforcing these  standards.  
11. Make it clear that you support  school policies and rules  that help create and sustain a safe  place for all students to learn. 
12. Join up with other parents,  through JFS workshops, school  activities and neighborhood and  synagogue organized events.  Talk with each other about violence  problems, and concerns  about youth in the community. 

At Jewish Family Services, we make the social, emotional, and  physical well-being of our community  a priority. We work with  our partners on Shalom Park offering  educational workshops  on parenting and mental health.  Through the counseling of parents  and adolescents, we are able  to provide the skills needed for  better outcomes in the home and  school. If you or someone you  now needs help, call us at 704-  364-6594 or go to jfscharlotte.  org.

We are awed, moved, and inspired by the generosity  of this community and were especially touched when Eric  and Lori Sklut offered to match the funds raised during the  call to the heart.  

A special thank you to our entertainment underwriters,  Adam and Kim Levy, Co-Chairs, Suzy Catenazzo and Andrea  Cronson, our Gilda Radner Sponsor Izzy’s Catering  and all who donated their time, talent, and gifts. This evening  would not have been possible without your support,  faith, and belief in what we do.

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And while the start of a new  school year is exciting for most  kids it can also bring with it a  spike in anxiety, even for kids  who are usually pretty easy going,  so it is not uncommon to see a rise  in some difficult behaviors from  your child including (by age):  

• Toddler and Pre-School Age:  increased tantrums, separation  anxiety, regression (may seem  like they are going backwards in  their development but it is usually  temporary) with toilet training,  change in sleep schedule/bedtime  problems, increased crying and  power struggles, not following  directions.  
• Elementary Age: talking  back, disobedience, fighting and  aggression, worries, anxiety,  nightmares and sleep schedule  changes, bed-wetting, irritable  mood, lying, fighting with siblings,  difficulty with friends at  school, and resistance to school  routine.  
• Middle/High School: irritable  mood, “rude” and disrespectful  behavior, power struggles,  increased anxiety, shift in focus  to peer/friendships, and talking  back.  

We all want our kids to lead  happy and fulfilled lives and at  any given time we are doing our  best to make that happen. Sometimes  tips and guidance from outside  sources can help. Actively  participating in parenting education,  formal or informal can yield  strong benefits for both parents  and their children. After all, as a  parent, who wouldn’t want their  child to calmly follow instructions,  do well at school, make  friends easily and feel good about  themselves? A 2016 review of  parent education programs from  the Wilder Foundation found that  children of parents who participate  in parenting education often  demonstrate higher levels of  empathy, sharing, and helping  others, and have less destructive  behaviors such as aggression, delinquency,  and hyperactivity.  

According to the Triple P Positive  Parenting Program, one of  the few parenting programs based  on evidence and research, parents  who use positive parenting  say they feel more confident, less  stressed, and have less conflict  with their partner over parenting  issues.  

Triple P’s approach to positive  parenting is based on some  very simple ideas that have been  shown to help make raising children  easier. There are hundreds  of evaluation papers and randomized  controlled trials that show  Triple P can work for most families  – across different cultures, socio-  economic groups and in many  different family structures. Some  key highlights:  

• Triple P reduces problem  behavior in children and improve  parents’ wellbeing and parenting  skills.  
• In communities where Triple  P is widely available, (which it is  in NC) children have fewer behavioral  and emotional problems.  
• Parents using Triple P say  they are less stressed, less depressed,  and don’t use harsh discipline.  

Here are some Triple P Positive  Parenting Strategies that may  help with Back to School:  

Establishing a Bedtime Routine,  including a regular bedtime,  a child friendly checklist that the  child uses each night to prepare  for bed, and preparing the child  ahead of time each night before  the routine, praising specific behaviors  the next morning helps. 

 To avoid talking back and  fighting, Triple P suggests a  “Planned ignoring for undesirable  behavior.” When your child  demonstrates an undesired behavior  such as tantrums or talking  back, Triple P suggests ignoring  the behavior entirely until the  tantrum stops. This technique is  used is specific situations with  the coaching of your Triple P provider.

For teens with anxiety, talk  openly about feelings and how  to deal with upsetting events,  encourage teenagers to develop  problem-solving skills (which  your Triple P provider can help  with one an individual basis). 

For stronger communication  with your teens, especially about  fear-based situations, engaging  in “Casual Conversation” and  listening to their fears may not  sound like a “big deal” to youbut  it feels like a bid deal to them. 

Manage your own emotions  – The most important lesson in  Triple P is to manage your own  emotions, stay calm, set a positive  example, and give positive  attention.  Triple P is a parenting program  but it doesn’t tell you how to be  a parent. It’s more like a toolbox  of ideas.

If you or someone you  know is faced with parenting  challenges or would like to learn  how to encourage good behavior  and manage the challenging  behaviors, please call 704-364-  6594. Jewish Family Services’  clinical therapists are credentialed  in Triple P. They may use these  and other strategies to help get  you through the tough times.